Thursday, January 31, 2013

Note to Myself No. 31





Too many times, 
I've stood at the precipice of possibility,
gasped,
and sought the refuge of familiarity
and perceived safety.

I think the gaping hole of the unknown
kept me mired in a toxic marriage
for far longer than was good for me.

When the breaking point came,
I refused to be treated shabbily going forward.

Better late than never.

When I realized he was perfectly content
to repeatedly break my heart if it served his purposes,
which it seemed to do all too often,
I told him that our marriage
 was no longer working for me.

I'm not convinced that was at all traumatic for him,
despite our 23 years together and two amazing sons,
because he'd already prepared a soft place to land.

As for me,
I'd put all my eggs in one basket
and suddenly found them scrambled
to hell and back.

There's an old saying that when you jump
you'll sprout wings.

I can't say that I had trust in that idea,
but staying in the relationship 
as it was structured
was no longer an option,
so I leaped
into the great unknown,
not knowing how I'd manage
life without the person I considered
the love of my life.

To be brutally honest,
it felt like I fell
down
down
down
into the abyss of loss 
for a shockingly long time
before those wings began to sprout.

But here I am
nine years after separation
six and a half years after divorce
and I'm still standing.

That's because I don't want to 
put creases in my beautiful wings.

I've been blessed with the beautiful gift
of myself.

5 comments:

cyndee starr said...

it's hard finding who you are and what you want after ending a long marriage. we were so programed to be mother, daughter, wife that we got lost in the marriage. i'm 15 years past a 27 year marriage. i can totally relate.

kendalee said...

Oh Meri, this resonates so deeply with me. As I think you know, my story is very similar. It's been 6 years for me and I feel I'm only starting to flex my wings properly and rise out of that abyss rather than just flap hard to avoid hitting the bottom. It's exhilarating, if still a bit scary, and now I truly feel, "good riddance". I think our wings are all the more beautiful for having been crafted out of both dark and light.

The Artful Diva said...

Nice quote, fabulous poetry and photo comp too!

EG CameraGirl said...

You are an inspiration to anyone afraid to spread their wings.

Madge Bloom said...

SO glad you found your equilibrium and a new, fresh and better normal... I'm so glad you came by to share on Weekly Top Shot #68!