Note to Myself No. 31

Too many times, 

I've stood at the precipice of possibility,

gasped,

and sought the refuge of familiarity

and perceived safety.

I think the gaping hole of the unknown

kept me mired in a toxic marriage

for far longer than was good for me.

When the breaking point came,

I refused to be treated shabbily going forward.

Better late than never.

When I realized he was perfectly content

to repeatedly break my heart if it served his purposes,

which it seemed to do all too often,

I told him that our marriage

 was no longer working for me.

I'm not convinced that was at all traumatic for him,

despite our 23 years together and two amazing sons,

because he'd already prepared a soft place to land.

As for me,

I'd put all my eggs in one basket

and suddenly found them scrambled

to hell and back.

There's an old saying that when you jump

you'll sprout wings.

I can't say that I had trust in that idea,

but staying in the relationship 

as it was structured

was no longer an option,

so I leaped

into the great unknown,

not knowing how I'd manage

life without the person I considered

the love of my life.

To be brutally honest,

it felt like I fell

down

down

down

into the abyss of loss 

for a shockingly long time

before those wings began to sprout.

But here I am

nine years after separation

six and a half years after divorce

and I'm still standing.

That's because I don't want to 

put creases in my beautiful wings.

I've been blessed with the beautiful gift

of myself.