If Things Were Different

If things were different, this would be a day for celebration.
A 30th anniversary. 

But it's just another day in a string of days
since things are just the way they are.

I've constructed the narrative, can tell you the little "why"
that explains what caused me to draw the line, 
the story behind his choices. I've even concocted a
plausible answer to "How could I have been so stupid?"

I still don't grasp the cosmic Why.

Did I need to emerge from his shadow
for my creativity to flourish
and find its full expression?

Did I need to cease being, in his words,
"the perfect wife" in order
to be perfectly myself?

Or is the Cosmic Why,
like our marriage,
about him and making him happy?
Letting him be the star. . . 

Perhaps cosmic answers
create themselves
by the choices we make.

Perhaps there ARE no cosmic answers.

As for me, I'll be making Mango Margaritas
for book club tonight.

Let's raise a glass
to loving what is and letting go of
what might have been and what never was,
except in my mind.

And to my ultimate happiness
in the cosmic scheme of things.


Eryl said…
I don't think there is a 'cosmic' why, there's only what is and how we see it. We can torture ourselves forever with whys.

I will raise a glass to you in celebration of the 30th anniversary of your marriage: if you hadn't had a shadow to crawl from under you wouldn't be (quite) the woman and artist you are now. Chin, chin.
A beautifully reflective post on what sounds like a challenging day.

I agree with Eryl and don't think there is a 'Cosmic Why' and that 'why' questions only make us suffer more. Your "Did" questions leave more room for possibility and flow and, as you say, what is AND what was. (Byron Katie's four questions could dismatle and free you from some of the painful stories in your head about what happened with your marriage.)

I'm raising my glass. Here's to YOU Meri!
Alan Burnett said…
I raise a glass in praise of your words. As for the cosmic why : the answer is "in order for you to become who you are"
Numinosity said…
I can relate to this post and have unveiled some the cosmic "why" in some guilt provoking moments and still arrive at a place of no regrets. I admit that for me the line between cowardice and courage waver between the two when I examine my choices in order to have become who I am today.
xoxo Kim
will said…
History is what you make of it ... as is said, victors write the history books ... so, write whatever pleases you ... then turn the page and go.
Jemsmom said…
Cheers to you on this day and I agree with Alan... it was all in the order of becoming who you are.
Annie Jeffries said…
Bravo for bravely going forward. I had a "never had" once long ago too. Happier, much happier today.
Southwest Arkie said…
Raise a glass to making your own shadow!
HeartFire said…
Hi Meri,
I like the toast at the end and cheer you onward as the star now. Out of struggle, comes the light... I love your exquisite photo's, especially the Buddha (stunning)& the blue rimmed glass.
And I can relate to struggle in letting go, isn't that the age old dilemma for us all, to keep going on into the new unknown, to savor the moment now.
beth said…
you are right now, exactly where you're meant to be.

now let's raise our glasses in celebration !
rebecca said…
i shall join you....
in honor of your beauty, your discovery, your wholeness.
a toast...
viva la vida!!!

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