Meri's Musings

Do you ever have the feeling that you're somehow outside yourself, just watching things unfold, somehow both present and outside time? Have you ever felt that you were outside, looking in, feeling like no matter what you do, you'll never fit in? Have you ever wished for the power to shape shift? Or a cloak of invisibility? Or a titanium case to protect your heart? Tell me all about it. I'm working myself up to do something that is the right thing to do, but will come at great emotional cost. I'm wishing and feeling a lot of things in the process. Has this ever happened to you? Maybe your story will fortify me for what lies ahead.

Yes. I love the unveiling of the mystery. The welcoming a new phase. Expansion. Settling into the silence. Knowing what's next will arrive at exactly the right time. I just have to open to receive.

Sounds so easy, doesn't it? When "what's true" happens to align with what you want in your life, acceptance is a snap. You conceived the minute you chose to start a family. You've created a vibrant, nourishing marriage  to your soul mate. Your interview skills are so fabulous  that you landed the dream job despite tons of competition. Oh yeah, loving what's true  makes it easy as pie to accept it. But what about the times when reality breaks your heart? The man you thought you would grow old with, who lit up your life, dies.  Or he runs off  with a younger woman. Your body just doesn't cooperate  in the "doing what comes naturally" department.  You feel envy, not joy, when a friend  announces,  "I got pregnant without even trying." Despite sending out hundreds of resumes, you can't seem to snag an interview,  let alone land a job... any job. Those are times when...

If things were different,  this would be a day for celebration. A 30th anniversary.  But it's just another day in a string of days since things are just the way they are. I've constructed the narrative,  can tell you the little "why" that explains what caused me to  draw the line,  the story behind  his choices. I've even concocted a plausible answer to "How could I  have been so stupid?" I still don't grasp the cosmic Why. Did I need to emerge from his shadow for my creativity to flourish and find its full  expression? Did I need to cease being, in his words, "the perfect wife" in order to be perfectly myself? Or is the Cosmic Why, like our marriage, about him and making him happy? Letting him be the star. . .  Perhaps cosmic answers create themselves by the choices we make. Perhaps there ARE no cosmic answers. As for me, I'll be making Mango Margaritas for book club tonight. Let's raise a glass to loving ...